10 Take-Away from Kristin Neff’s “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”

Are you a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist?

Like many others who discover this book, my therapist recommended it to me. What I really love about it are the exercises. Not only does the author, Kristin Neff, share her expertise on self-compassion and the follies of self-esteem—she encourages you to put what you learn into practice! One of the first activities is a quiz that measures how self-compassionate you are. Prior to reading the book, my score indicated low self-compassion. I took the quiz again after I finished reading and scored in the high self-compassion category. In addition to consistent meditation and yoga practice, this book has had a measurable effect on my capacity to be kinder to myself and release fear of judgment and failure.

“Self-Compassion” was published over a decade ago. I do not wish to come for the author, Kristin Neff, or the publisher, HarperCollins. However, it’s important to address the harm of cultural appropriation. This book insufficiently addresses the connection between self-compassion, or karunā, and Buddhism. Yes—one of the greatest strengths of this book is that it makes the teachings of the dharma accessible to a broader audience. Yes—clinical research and Western psychology strengthen these teachings. And yes—the first pages of the book acknowledge Neff’s appreciation of the dharma and her many Buddhist teachers.

However, the jacket attributes the teachings of self-compassion solely to Western psychology, naming Dr. Neff “the world’s foremost expert on self-compassion.” Neff does not provide much cultural or historical context for Buddhist concepts of self-compassion (karunā), loving-kindness (mettā), sympathetic joy (muditā), equanimity (upekkhā), and mindfulness (sāti). Lastly, the author recognizes her Western colleagues when she adapts an exercise from their work—for example, the three-chair exercise from Leslie Greenberg and the “Compassionate Imagery” exercise from Paul Gilbert—but does not state that others, like “Noting Practice,” “Developing Your Own Self-Compassion Mantra,” and “Directing Loving-Kindness Toward Our Suffering,” are adapted from Buddhist techniques. Overall, Buddhism is the undercurrent of “Self-Compassion’s” teachings—silent, deep, and gravitational—but at times, the waves of secularism muddle what truly moves the writing.

Shortcomings acknowledged, Neff’s teachings are worthwhile. Here are my notes on my 10 take-aways from Kristin Neff’s book, “Self-Compassion,” including my favorite quotes, exercises, meditations, and a list of continued readings:

1. Stop judging and evaluating. Use discerning wisdom.

“Judgement defines people as bad versus good and tries to capture their essential nature with simplistic labels. Discriminating wisdom recognizes complexity and ambiguity.” (74)

“Discriminating wisdom clearly sees when an action is harmful or maladaptive, and when we need to protect ourselves from those with bad intentions. However, it also understands that all people are imperfect, that we all make mistakes. It understands that people often act out of ignorance, immaturity, fear, or irrational impulse, and that we shouldn’t judge people for their actions as if they had full conscious control over them.” (199)

2. Embrace shortcomings/imperfections/mistakes/failure.

3. Self-esteem in overrated.

“The need to see ourselves as superior also makes us emphasize our separation from others rather than our interconnectedness, which in turn leads to feelings of isolation, disconnection, and insecurity. So, one might ask, is it worth it?” (152)

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you?” (165)

Self-Compassion: stable, relational, interconnection, nuance, internal, accepts good and bad

Self-Esteem: unstable, evaluative, isolation, simplicity, external, denies bad and exaggerates good

4. Practicing self-compassion is not narcissistic.

“Self-compassion doesn’t mean my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.” (12)


5. Suffering can soften the heart.

6. Let go of perfectionism.

“If we were perfect and had all the answers, we’d never get to ask questions, and we wouldn’t be able to discover anything new.” (71)

“It is in our faults and failings, not in our virtues, that we touch each other, and find sympathy.” —Jerome K. Jerome

7. Recognize the universality of human suffering / our common humanity.

“When our troubled, painful experiences are framed by the recognition that countless others have undergone similar hardships, the blow is softened. The pain still hurts, but it doesn’t become compounded by feelings of separation.” (65)

8. Suffering = Pain x Resistance.

“…we can distinguish between the normal pain of life—difficult emotions, physical discomfort, and so on—and actual suffering which is the mental anguish caused by fighting against the fact that life is sometimes painful.”(94)

“Pain is unavoidable; suffering is optional.” (94)

9. Practice the equanimity of mindfulness.

“we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.” (41)

“…[mindfulness’s] most amazing gift—is that mindfulness provides us with the opportunity to respond rather than simply react” (91)

10. Actively comfort yourself.

“Not only does survival depend on the fight-or-flight instinct, it also depends on the ‘tend and befriend’ instinct.” (43)

“I am both the comforter and the one in need of comfort. There is more to me than the pain I am feeling right now, I am also the heartfelt response to that pain.” (50)


Exercises and practices I found particularly useful include:

  • www.self-compassion.org, “How Self-Compassionate Are You?” quiz
  • “The Criticizer, Criticized, and the Compassionate Observer”
  • “Using Compassionate Imagery”
  • “Compassionate Body Scan”
  • 4-Point Check: 1) What am I observing? 2) What am I feeling? 3) What am I needing right now?4) Do I have a request of myself or someone else?
  • Compassionate Self-Check-In: “It’s hard to feel (fill in the blank) right now. Feeling (blank) is part of the human experience. What can I do to make myself happier in this moment?” (249)

Some prayers, mantras, and meditations I’ll return to are:

  • Al-Anon Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
  • Soften, soothe, allow
  • This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.
  • This too shall pass.
  • May I be safe. May I be peaceful. May I be kind to myself. May I accept myself as I am.

Further Readings

  1. Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness
  2. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are
  3. Christopher Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion
  4. Jean Twenge, Generation Me
  5. Jean Twenge, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement
  6. Steven Stosny, Love Without Hurt
  7. Diane Levin and Jean Kilbourne, So Sexy, So Soon
  8. Laura Sessions Stepp, Unhooked
  9. David Nimmons, The Soul Beneath the Skin: The Unseen Hearts and Habits of Gay Men
  10. Barbara Frederickson, Positivity
  11. Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  12. Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
  13. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow and Creativity
  14. Daniel J. Siegel, Mindsight